Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
