Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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