I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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