Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
