i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize