I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
