I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
