His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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