I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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