My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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