i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
