He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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