he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The uberlube is also flammable
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize