highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
