Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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