meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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