Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
