why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
