There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
