I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
