My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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