he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
