So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
