I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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