If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
