he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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