I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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