on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
