I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
