I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
