life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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