where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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