do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
