im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
