Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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