My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
