Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
