Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
