I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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