I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
