Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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