You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
