i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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