New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
