I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
