I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
