I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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