I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
