btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
