"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
