people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
