someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
