If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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