I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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