I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
