I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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