How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
