he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
